Walking Away: 3 Stages of Knowing When to Quit

I’m a big quitter.  Love it.  It’s liberating!

If you come to me sheepishly wanting to walk away from something, my most common response is “do it!”  Women have enough “no” in our lives. I’m the yes-giver.

My earliest memory of quitting was in maybe 2^nd grade when was in a Brownie troop.  We lived in a small, safe town, so even at that age I just walked the few blocks home from school every day.  On this particular afternoon when I walked into the house, my mom looked surprised and reminded me I was supposed to have stayed after school that day for my Brownie meeting.  This could have gone several directions:

• Oh no! I missed meeting!  I’m doomed!  *Tears and scurrying around to get back to school*
• Angry parent.
• Messages about sticking to my responsibilities (as a 2^nd grader…this would have veered into it “going on my permanent record” territory.)

But in my memory how it went was me pausing for moment, then realizing I’d rather have a PB&J and stay home for the afternoon.  So that’s what I did.  In fact, I quit the Brownies that day and never looked back.  No “should” messages from my mom.  I’m sure she gave me an “are you sure?” check in, but after that – she let me make my own decision.

That day I learned:

Everything is optional.

Choices have consequences, but literally everything is optional so let’s start there.

I recognize that statement seems hyperbolic.

Yes, some choices will lead to ruin.  Some choices can even be fatal: abusing drugs, not eating, choosing to reject medical care (which can still be valid in some cases, even at that high price).

Where we go wrong is feeling that comparatively smaller choices, like who we’re married to or where we get a paycheck, are choices that are equally as key to our very survival. Rarely, rarely, is that the case.

Not never, but rarely.

A short list of things you can generally quit and live to tell the tale:

• Reading a book / Watching a movie at the theater
• Conversations
• College (or just a specific college class)
• A Job / Your Career
• Friendships
• A Vacation
• Your Wedding
• Marriage

Time is your most valuable asset; it’s finite and nonrenewable.  If you’re not being enriched by or enjoying an experience, put it down.  Ask for your money back.  Depending on the intensity of your discomfort, I would even just say GTFO.  It’s useful to remember you have that option.

I’m not saying there’s no value in working on things.

In addition to being a quitter, I’m also tenacious and enthusiastic about things, so I know about digging in.  Hard things can be valuable.  Running a marathon, learning about historical harm humans have done to each other, giving birth; when hard things like these are done by choice, we build both wisdom and strength.

Relationships of all kinds—from those with your employer to those with your chosen life partner—take energy and care, and we shouldn’t expect them to feel spectacular 100% of the time; that would be unrealistic.  We’re sort of programed to keep on keepin’ on though, so let’s acknowledge that as women we’ve had more than enough messages about that.

Believing no exit is possible is frightening and painful, but you can change your belief.

So how do you know when it’s time to go?  First, figure out where on the scale of discomfort you land.

Are you stagnant, stuck, or trapped?

Stagnant

At this level you may still be able to make changes and salvage your experience.  You may feel a sense of dull unhappiness or impatience.  Things just aren’t right.  This is the stage when you find yourself complaining (maybe only internally) without taking action beyond that.

It may be time to do a personal audit and figure out if the source of your discomfort is really what you think it is and/or if it’s changeable.

Unhappiness is like our Spidey-sense alerting us to danger, but we may be misinterpreting the threat.

Try starting with the HALT questions.  Am I:

• Hungry?
• Angry?
• Lonely?
• Tired?

Those can all affect your emotional state and may be fleeting/easily addressed in most cases.  Best not to make sweeping changes when hangry, right?

A deeper personal audit may require taking a pause away from the situation that’s troubling you, doing some journaling, or discussing it with a therapist.

Stuck

At this stage you feel more than just dissatisfied and you’ve felt this way for a while.  Pay particular attention to growing feelings of resentment, defined as “bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly.”

When you hit resentment or even disgust, those feelings need your immediate attention.  They’re less transient; you may have been walking around for a while now rolling your eyes or making comments under your breath.  Others will have noticed your mood too, which means consequences could be coming, whether or not you feel you’ve made a decision.

Maybe you’re allowing your behavior to make the decision for you?  That’s one strategy, but it’s harder to salvage a good outcome working from that place.

Time to stop, put your hands on your hips, and remind yourself that you are in charge.

You are a wise woman.  You’ve lived through some shit in life already and come out the other side.  You’ve survived every challenge and are still standing.  You can get unstuck and the first step is believing that you can.

Trapped

Imagine a scared animal, cornered by a predator; their heart beat and breath are fast, their eyes dart around, looking for escape.  Their body is primed for survival.

Humans are no different.  When we feel unsafe our autonomic nervous system kicks in, preparing us to run or fight.  When no escape is possible, we freeze.  Even when we’re not moving, our bodies are still in a panic.  You’re feeling trapped.

Pay attention to your emotional state and notice what your body is telling you.

If the threat is tangible, like a bear ten yards ahead on the trail, we don’t second-guess ourselves.  When the threat is felt and not seen though, it can be hard to make a decision for a few reasons:

1. Doubt and second-guessing how we “should” be feeling.
2. Feeling like it will be embarrassing to “make a scene” by leaving.
3. Fear of making the wrong decision when we’re emotional.

Those are all culturally conditioned responses.  Who in your past did these messages come from?  A parent or partner?  Likely someone whose relationship we valued deeply, which makes it feel imperative at the time to take on their world view of right and wrong.  We develop this idea that there’s only one appropriate way to feel, lest we make someone else uncomfortable.

If the price of your safety is disappointing others, so be it.

If you’re feeling trapped, now is not the time to journal or consult.  Now is the time to act.  Step out of the room, or out of the house or office, for as long as you need to let your heart rate come down.

Once you’re feeling safe again, you can make a plan.  Don’t abandon yourself once the adrenaline comes down.

You can do this, wise woman.  I believe in you.