9 Ways to Stop Feeling Envious

There you were, enjoying your day, when you saw that post online or had a conversation with that person you hadn’t seen since high school and suddenly:  BAM!  You. Are. Ticked.  This person has something you wish you had and they don’t appreciate or deserve it.  And now the “f” word is all you can think about.  No, not that one.  The other one.  Fair.

It’s not fair.

You’re unsettled about something you imagine to be the truth.

You might be tempted to say, “but it IS true that they have…”

• That new car or remodeled kitchen;
• Kids that don’t have problems;
• No kids, so they have a ton of free time;
• Money;
• Good looks; or,
• A spouse that seems better than yours on this day when yours happens to be bothering you.

Those things may or may not be true, but let’s assume they are.  Here’s the annoying, but good news:

It’s not really about the facts.

It’s what you think those facts mean.

Every day we interpret the things that happen around us to fit them into the story of our life.  These stories are based on our experiences and they help us make sense of the world.  But since we’re the sole teller of the tale when it comes to our life stories, we sometimes lack perspective. 

Here are 9 ways to tell yourself a kinder story:

1. Don’t compare your insides to their outsides.

Comparison is the root of misery.  We see the lives of others (especially in the carefully-curated social media world) and everything seems so sunny and carefree.  But life doesn’t go 100% smoothly for anyone.  You don’t see the fight they just had with their spouse.  They don’t share their worry about the medical symptoms they’ve been having.  You might not be privy to how hard it is for them to get out of bed in the morning, or how much they scramble to make their life look effortless. 

You only know what people share and we don’t tend to share the things that scare or worry us.

“If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.” ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

2. Stop looking at social media.

If that feed on Instagram or post on Facebook is making you feel bad, please be kind to yourself and stop looking at it.  People don’t tend to post photos of the hardest times in life.  Photos on social media show yummy food, exciting travel, and good times with friends & family, right?  Because we don’t see selfies posted on days when people are worried about losing a job or laying in bed with cramps and a migraine, it can look like bad days don’t exist for other people.  One easy fix is to just take a break from all of it.

3. Practice Gratitude

What do you have that you’re taking for granted?  What might somebody observe about you and feel envious of?  It’s easy to take for granted the parts of life that come easy for us. Stop right now and make a list of 5 things you have to be grateful for. 

On a particularly hard day, my list looks like this:

• I have a roof over my head;
• I have access to the internet;
• I have a functioning brain;
• I have food;
• I am alive.

Is that last one too over-the-top for you?  I heard somewhere that the dead envy the living, and although there’s artistic license there (because really, how would we know?) I connect it more to the words of Paul Rusesabagina, a survivor of the Rwandan genocide, who said:

“Our days are so few, our existences so complicated. As long as we’re breathing we shouldn’t further complicate our lives.”

Now, stop thinking about the other person – the subject of your envy.  Breathe and take a moment to appreciate what you have.  Feeling grateful and experiencing envy are mutually exclusive; if you are deeply feeling one, you cannot also be feeling the other.

4. Get out of your own head.

Stop focusing on what you feel powerless to have or be, and start focusing on what is within your power to give.  Doing something for someone else creates a feeling similar to gratitude, and one that is also not compatible with envy.  Some starter ideas for giving:

• Send a card in the mail to someone just to say how much you appreciate them;
• Buy some canned food and drop it off at the food bank;
• Let someone go before you in line;
• Clean or straighten an area of your home or office that you’re not usually responsible for;
• Donate a book or two to your local library (check to see if they have a wish list!);

5. Add compassion.

Imagine an exact moment in which you felt envious of someone. I’m not talk about mere “gosh, that must be nice…” low-grade kind of envy.  I’m talking about the truly consuming kind.  Now…try to conjure compassion for that person.  Seriously.  Here’s why:

Envy + Compassion = Admiration

Adding compassion shifts our mindset so that we can see the “object” of our envy as a whole person and not merely a symbol of what we’re missing in our own life.  I like to think of compassion as kind caring and recognition of another person’s struggles, fears, and sadness.  Everybody has struggles.  Really.  They do!

6. Name your issue.

Are you upset because the person you’re comparing yourself to is:

• Beautiful?
• Rich?
• Has more friends?
• Has no problems in life?

If you can name your issue, you can tackle the problem.  Sometimes what needs to change is not objective facts, but your subjective view of those facts. 

7. Get inspired.

Other times, objective facts can be changed.  Are you lacking something they have?  Get busy!  Make a plan to have that thing you lack.  I came up with this exercise to get started:

I wish, I want, I will.

• I wish:  Name the thing you wish was different about your life or situation.
• I want:  Finish this statement, “When I dream about the ideal life, it looks like…”
• I will:  Make a plan.  What are you willing to do to make your dream real?

Sometimes the “I will” means quitting your job, or putting in years of hard work, or taking other bold and scary steps.  But sometimes it means committing to change the way you think and the way you look at life. 

“It is never too late to be what you might have been.” ~ Mary Ann Evans (aka George Eliot)

8. End your sentence with “yet”.

The thoughts we wrestle with when we feel envious are about things we don’t have.  But some of those things may be coming.  As the saying goes, our ship just hasn’t come in – yet.  As author Karen Salmansohn pointed out though, Yet is just one letter away from Yes! 

You’ve got to start somewhere.  Just because you’re not there doesn’t mean you never will be.  Remember, everything you’re good at now you used to be bad at.  People you envy because of their talents were once beginners too.  Things can be awkward when you’re a beginner. You will mistakes – that’s part of growth.  But growth and change are possible, even if what needs to change is your perspective.

9. Think big: There’s enough for everybody.  

I’ve tried to keep these ideas broad because people envy all kinds of things. Just remember: There’s not a finite amount of happiness to be had.  More for them doesn’t mean less for you.

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I hope you’ve found at least one or two helpful tidbits here!